A Vision Renewed

When my initial plans for a lay counseling course did not come to fruition, and the teaching position at Aizawl Theological College landed neatly in my lap, I started to believe nothing would come of my desire to train lay counsellors. I started to think that maybe God had just put that hope on my heart to get me here, since I didn’t know anything about ATC, or their new counseling course. And, being on holiday from teaching, I’ve been getting a bit lazy and, once again, have been questioning why I’m here. (As an aside, I am learning just how fickle my emotions are, and how much I tend to let them control me)

Yet again I’m reminded that God is weaving a beautiful tapestry, and I am only seeing the loose strings on the back.

Last night one of Omte’s cousins, Lalrin, came over to meet me.  It turns out that Lalrin and another cousin have a desire to start a ministry to train counsellors and provide counseling for people with mental illnesses and provide support to their families.

As we spoke, we found that we share a common vision of holistic care within the Church body, which is the core of Mizo society, but in a way that is not intimidating or judgmental to those seeking help. We talked about the need for cultural changes in the way mental illness is viewed and for levels of training, with plenty of people who are equipped with basic counseling skills and others who are qualified for professional counseling, and others who are able to take what they learn to the villages, where help is most needed.

We have these big ideas that seem like they might be impossible in our own power, but it also seems clear that these ideas have come directly from God.

One of the most interesting things about this encounter is that Lalrin is not in the mental health field at all – she is a lawyer. But, God has put it on her heart to form this ministry, and I think she’s just the right person.  I don’t have an entrepreneurial bone in my body, and although I am well-organized in the ways I need to be, I lack the detail-oriented type of organization needed to take on a project like this. I’ve always said I just want to be someone’s employee and have them tell me what to do. But Lalrin clearly has a gift for administration. Imagine my delight today when I received a detailed email from Lalrin this afternoon with a review of what we discussed last night and an action plan for the month of October. Wow!  What an example of differing gifts working together!

God is doing something big here. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

Good Medicine

One time I was really sick and I went to the doctor and was given some antibiotics. By the next day I was feeling way better, and I thought maybe I had been premature in calling the doctor. Of course, the ironic thing about that is that I was feeling better because of the antibiotics, which I got from the doctor. Have you ever had that experience? 

A similar thing happened to me last week. I was suffering terribly with homesickness. You, dear readers, were my doctors, and your prayers and encouragement were my antibiotics. I awoke Wednesday morning feeling quite cheerful, and by the afternoon I was thinking maybe I had been premature in writing about my homesickness. I doubt, though, that I would have been feeling nearly so well had I not wiritten that post and received so much encouragement. So, to every one who commented or sent me personal messages, or just prayed for me: thank you!

This is a two-fold lesson the Lord has been teaching me time and again in the last several years; 

1. In my weakness, He is strong.

2. When I am transparent about my weaknesses, I find that others will either be encouraged or will encourage me, or both. 

In other news, the last week has gone quite smoothly. I have been in much higher spirits, and have been feeling better physically.  I've been making a point of doing something each day that makes me feel like me.  Some things that I love doing are: making teeny tiny things out of paper, drawing, knitting, and geeking out about psychology and theology. I'm happy to report that I had opportunities to do each of those things. I've also gotten to help Omte with some gum paste elements for a few cakes, which gives me the opportunity to make pretty things and be helpful; two more things I love doing. 

Please do continue to pray for me.  We have reached the end of semester at the college, and I will be off from teaching until October 25th. My parents will be visiting from the 7th to the 26th, and much of that time will be spent traveling around and visiting friends. In the meantime, I have a tendency to get lonely and depressed when I don't have any responsibilities. I have no doubt God will fill my time and put me right where He wants me, but I also want the strength to be able to be content with Him in the stillness. 

I'll just end by saying it again, because I can't say it too much: thank you!

Home Sick. Homesick.

Several friends have asked why I haven’t updated this blog recently.  I just haven’t known what to write. It is hard to know what to write when you don’t even know how you feel.  Each day is a swirl of emotions. I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster in absolute darkness – kind of like Space Mountain, but maybe a little less fun.

If you haven’t noticed before, I like to be positive. If I can’t say something positive, I keep my mouth shut until I can.  I have no problem sharing my struggles with the world once I’ve come out the other side and have some bit of encouragement to share. But, two of the things I hate most in the world are discouraging others and being pitied; so, in the midst of struggles  I withdraw.

That being said, here is the truth: I am so homesick it hurts.

It started out as short wistful moments that crept up on me when I was reminded of home. I would see Omte hold her nephew and wish I could be holding my nieces. I’d see a dog or cat in the street and long to take Rose for a walk, or to snuggle in my chair with Pyewacket purring away on my lap.

It has changed. Now, I have some blissful times of reprieve, usually when I'm busy – in fact, while writing this I was called into the kitchen to help cut out fondant letters for some cakes, and for an hour or so I felt quite fine  – but most of the time I ache for home.

The thing is, I don’t know if homesick is quite the right word for how I feel. It’s not so much that I miss my family (oh, I do, but I talk to them every day, and I know that I’ll see them fairly soon) or even my house or my town. I miss those things, but they don’t cause an ache.

It’s not the material things I miss, either. My host family bends over backward to make me feel comfortable. About a month ago I mentioned in passing that I could go for a nice tall glass of iced tea. Now every day Omte makes me iced tea in a 16oz cup, which is the biggest cup they own. If there were any material thing that would make me feel at home, I know they would do their best to provide it.

What I miss is feeling at home.  Those intangible things you never think about until they’re gone.

I miss walking  down the street without being stared at.
Without schoolgirls looking at me and turning to each other to whisper and giggle.
Without having to dodge cars, motorcycles, and sudden drop-offs into steep stairwells.

I miss knowing where to go to buy whatever I need.
Walking into stores and finding clothes and shoes that fit me, because there are not only women my size, but much bigger.
Browsing without a shopkeeper silently standing one foot away from me at all times.

I miss hearing people around me speaking my own language.
Hearing joking and laughter and knowing what is going on.
Speaking at a normal pace, without having to carefully enunciate each word.

Most of all, I miss knowing where I fit in.

I know I sound miserable, but I love Aizawl.  I really do.  I think the pain I feel is made all the worse by the fact that I  want so desperately to feel at home here.  It just doesn’t feel possible, though I know it is a lot to ask when I’ve been here just under two months. As I write this I see just how impatient I am.

And yet, I do see some light shining through the clouds; some little glimmers of that “homey” feeling.

I am slowly beginning to understand some Mizo. The rhythms and tones are becoming familiar. In any given conversation I can pick out words I understand, and if it is a simple enough conversation, I may be able to get the gist of it without being told. It gives me hope that some day I won’t feel so lonely in a room full of Mizos.

I’ve met some of the warmest and sweetest people at the college. I’ve been welcomed into student’s dorms and fellow teachers’ homes, and been shown great hospitality. When I’m passing people on the streets, I feel more like a thing than a human being; but the people I’ve actually met have shown genuine interest in and care for me as a person.

Omte and I are true kindred spirits. We talk for hours about baking, education, Mizo culture, spiritual matters, bodily functions… you name it. Nearly every day, Omte finds some silly little reason she’s glad I’m here, and I can’t help but smile when she says it.

I have spent so much time in my bed (I got out the calendar and counted – between dysentery, a cold, and an arthritis flare up, I’ve spent nearly half my days here in bed) with the odd result of my having come to love this cozy corner of the room. I’ve spent many hours deep in prayer on this bed, and I suppose that I am finding my home in prayer. This is the greatest gift.

{Thank you, dear reader, for taking the time to listen to my ramblings. I needed to think through all of these things, and I feel much better now. I have a pile of tissues I soaked through while writing the first half  of this post, but now I sit here wearing a smile of genuine contentment. Years ago I took an online quiz called “Which Book of the Bible are You?” or something like that. I got Psalms. It said that even when I start out in laments, I always end up in joyful praise.  That’s probably the most accurate personality test I’ve ever taken.}